When anxiety arises, my body is sure to tell me. The obstacles that are put up in my mind have a very real physical manifestation. It's the instant rise in your heart rate or the shakiness of your hands triggered by a single thought or change. The feelings are similar to fear in the way that it sparks a fight or flight response. While everyone feels a little bit anxious sometimes, there are those of us where this feeling is much more frequent.
Existing in the outside world brings about its own challenges. Every day we are socially expected to wear a mask. We wear clothes to hide our bodies and wear fake smiles to hide our emotions. Underneath that façade is just me. It is my thoughts and my emotions alone at the end of the day. We are taught and told to hide those parts of ourselves, that they are supposed to be a private matter, which makes it hard to be your true self in the public sphere. Pressure of what you should wear or what you should feel can impact your everyday functioning.
This project is a visual representation of how anxiety can feel. No two people’s experiences are the same, but the overwhelming mental work and physical toll is something that is shared across the board.
Focusing on Nothing: The overwhelmed mind begins to roam in an empty space. It becomes utterly impossible to focus on one action or thought. The words on the page begin to wander and my vision becomes a little bit fuzzy. Even things that would normally bring happiness and positivity, can just add to the incessant feeling of emotional drowning. My train of thought becomes a jumbled mess that I can't even begin to sort through.
The Mental Cage: Inside my head I create barriers, physically felt by a painfully clenched jaw. These subconscious bars become so real… real to the point that even though I can reach through them physically, mentally I am trapped in a cage. I am locked behind the feeling of struggle and the feeling of debilitation, my jaw being even too sore to open. Simple things, like talking or eating, are out of the question, leaving me too painful to even ask if I can.
Bodily Destruction: In this case, my body takes the toll for something that my mind has created. I'm stuck in a cycle of trying to ground myself, helping me feel centered among the world that seems to be cracking around me. I feel nervous; I feel destructive. I feel as though my fragile hold on reality is slipping.
The Contorted Stomach: This feeling is not just a simple upset stomach. It is the complex feeling of being pulled down by anxious thoughts about what could happen or what has already occurred. It feels tight, to the point where it feels like I can't even stand up straight. The world becomes just a confused spinning of the mind and body.
Frozen in Place: My whole body, head to toe, follows the instinct to curl up into a ball. The effort to get as small as possible is for some reason comforting. Getting stuck in that protective stance can be at the same time be a trap. Once you are frozen it can be hard to break through the ice and breath again.